Secret girlfriends
Please affirm me: an open letter to my church and yours.


The wonderful, alive, loving, extravagantly welcoming, diverse, Spirit driven church that I'm a member of is coming to the end of its months long open and affirming study process.  We'll vote soon.  My church is not anti-gay.  When the local Metropolitan Community Church (now a non-denominational fellowship) needed a building, my church opened up and said "Hey-you guys should use our building...and come worship with us too!"  So, as a result, that church (the "gay" church in town) is my church too...it's functionally the Sunday School class that is part of what's helping to drive exciting growth in my church at large.  We have straight couples, gay couples, couples with children, single people, people with a past, youth, retired people, recovering people, poor, rich, republican, democrat.  I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't be welcomed at our church.  And the GLBT people at our church are fully included in the life and ministry of the church.  I'm one of them.  We truly want all people to know just how much God loves them by demonstrating that love in the way we love people.

That's what makes a letter like this difficult.  How do you ask a church like that for MORE?  Surely that's enough?!  Our church is open...non judgmental...not trying to "cure the gay" or "pray the gay away."  The question I've heard as we approach this ONA/O&A process to become officially what we sort of say we are implicitly, is "if we're so open like this, why do we need to be officially 'affirming'?"

The whole thing reminds me of when I was 6 years old and I wanted this girl that rode my bus to be my girlfriend.  (Of course I was gay back then too, but I was 6  and trying to be heteronormative for goodness' sake!)  So she took me aside and told me she would be my girlfriend-woot!  I was so excited-this girl was popular in the 1st grade crowd, she was funny, and everybody liked her (so if I'm her boyfriend, everybody will like me too!).  But then she told me the one condition she had:  We were to be secret boyfriend/girlfriend.  She and I would know the truth, but we would keep it to ourselves.  I was only 6, but it didn't take me long to figure out that this arrangement was a little fishy.  To this day I don't know if she was ashamed of me, not ready to commit, secretly holding out for another dude, or if way back then she knew I was gay and figured a closet relationship for a closet 6 year old was best.  It didn't matter...I valued myself enough to tell her that we should probably just stay friends and if that was going to be secret too then we should just move on.  So move on we did.  Though I remember her all through school, I don't ever remember being friends with her.

A lot of churches are living, not by the golden rule, but by the silver rule: "Do unto others better than others are doing unto them."  If we treat this group of people a little better than other people do, surely they'll see Christ in us.  My church is not one of those churches.  My church is a community of faith that is struggling with what it means to TRULY love our neighbor as ourselves; to do unto them what we would have them do unto us.  Perhaps in the process we ask more questions than we profess to have answers, but it is in asking the right questions that we seek the Kingdom of God and it comes nearer to us.  So when the question is asked about how necessary it is to be "affirming" to gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered people, it isn't a question asked as an attempt to avoid the issue, but as an honest struggle to do the right thing in the right way while maintaining unity among a diverse group of people all at different places on the journey (gay people included).

At the end of the day for me, it's about relationship.  I want my church to be my girlfriend (is this a weird analogy, especially for a gay guy?).  And I don't want any more secret relationships.  If my church believes that gay people, single and coupled, are valued individuals that are worthy of every single blessing extended to straight people, then I want them to say so.  The argument that "if we say we treat everyone equally, it would be a shame to single out the gays as though they were different or special" is a moot point-the gays are already singled out...and burying our heads in the sands of East Texas to say they aren't is the epitome of denial!  And I fear that it's just another secret girlfriend justification-a way to avoid bringing up an issue that might put us at odds with other Christians, with our friends, with our families even.  If my church is in support of LGBT people being fully included in the life, ministry, blessings, and responsibilities of the faith community, then I want them to be proud to say so.  I want them to be proud and excited to be the first church in East Texas to be officially Open and Affirming. I want them to welcome the publicity if there is any, not be afraid of it-because I'm not a bad boyfriend and I'd like to think my girlfriend would be happy for the rest of the world to know we're together...no matter what other people who don't want to date me think.

Please affirm me.  Affirming means that you are ok with me being gay and that you want me to have every blessing and every responsibility of any other church member.  Affirming me doesn't mean you like my boyfriend.  It doesn't mean you approve of every choice I make.  It doesn't mean you condone mistakes that I make.  It does mean that you extend real relationship to me.  That you go the extra mile to make sure that I and people like me know that, unlike all the other secret girlfriends they've had, this church is a girl that's proud to date them...that loves them and wouldn't change them for the world.  Affirming me means that when I get up to preach, you confirm that God can call someone like me to ministry and that when God does, you will be the church to say "amen" to that calling.  Affirming me means that you are unafraid of being connected with me and "people like me," and you are unashamed to be called names or face criticism for being my girlfriend, my church...because being with me is worth it.

And it isn't just about me.  It's about the countless lesbian, transgendered, gay, bisexual individuals who need this community of faith...who need Jesus...who need to be loved.  If we will not be that community of faith for them, how can we be sure we will be that community of faith for any other marginalized group?  If we are unable to make an official statement to send a message across the noise of hate that there IS a church where everyone can belong and we're that kind of church, then how can we informally make the statement that everyone is welcome?  If we are unwilling to be labeled negatively in the course of doing good, how can we be sure that we are committed to doing good at all?  And if we would rather equivocate, postpone, or mute our decision, how can we call ourselves disciples of a Christ who called us to such a radical way of love?

If the question is whether or not homosexuality is sinful, then by all means ask it.  If you truly believe gay people are living an inherently sinful "lifestyle" then please say so.  Get it over with and out there.  At least then I'll know where I can belong.  At least I can know that you're being honest with me.  After all, which is better?  A girl who says she'll date you and then tells everyone what a fool you are to think that someone like her would ever really date someone like you?  Or one that tells you to your face "no way"?  I'd rather be rejected and know it.  And if you're just not sure, not ready to commit, then I want to know that too.  Surely there's someone out there for me, and surely you wouldn't want me to put my spiritual life on pause while you lead me on until you can make a decision?

Because I do not ask you to settle every question in your mind or be able to argue every point.  I only ask that you say what you profess to feel in your hearts.  Say that you affirm me as a child of God, a fellow minister, a valued church member...and that I'm not an exception to the unwritten gay rule of the vast majority of churches, especially in our area, but that the affirmation I receive is available to anyone else like me...like us.  Because we're all the outcasts to someone...we're all the undesirable at some point.  But we have the chance to be a church where no one feels like an outcast because we are sending a clear message that God is the God of outcasts-the God who makes us ALL a part of the "in crowd."  We send that message with a clear statement.  An official statement.  A statement that makes us look different from other churches because, at least in this respect, we pretty much are.  It's called evangelism...telling the good news.  And it's what we're all about.

Please affirm me, because deciding to not become "officially O&A" means that I'm once again left without a church to call home.  A place where there's not just "room at the table" but where I'm truly one of the family...not a guest, but a child.   And because, if you do make it official, if you are courageous and proclaim the good news to LGBT people in our community, then we get to be the church that changes the world.  How do you know whether or not this church, OUR church, my church, has come to the Kingdom for such a time as this?  I believe we have.